Failures

We are in the midst of a whole-house purge and reorganization, while simultaneously remodeling a bathroom and assembling our little greenhouse.  I am even more overwhelmed than what has become normal for me, and longing for a couple of days off.  You know, the kind of days off I used to get before I had a child - sleeping until 10, doing no work at all, maybe not even making my own meals.  

I just sold something I said I'd never sell - my recumbent exercise bike, the first big thing I bought new for myself as an adult.  It takes up too much space, and owning it for the these past 7 years hasn't magically made me lose weight, although at times I have been motivated enough to use it to treat a chronic weakness in one knee.  Making the house ready for more occupants has pushed us to do all kinds of things we were meaning to do for a long time, and some things we otherwise would not have done, but will someday be glad we did.

I just finished reading Animal, Vegetable, Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver and family.  If you haven't read it, you must.  I found myself moved to tears by nearly every chapter, not because the book is sad, but because it rang so true for me.  I loved the recipes, and I kind of wish I had made notes as I read about their planting and harvest times, since they garden right here in Virginia and seem to have a much better idea what they're doing than I do.  It's a library book, so I won't be able to refer back to it later.

Even with a few years experience and many gardening books read, I still feel like a beginner.  Our small sweet potato crop, like our Irish potato crop, was a complete failure.  My garden failures this year alone are too many to mention.  This year's garden was unplanned and poorly executed, since we had decided not to grow a garden this year at all in order to focus on remodeling the house.  All our gardening so far has been somewhere between recreational and compulsive - try though we might, we can't resist planting - but I'm ready to get much more serious about it, especially with another serious gardener moving in.  When I try to make a garden plan for next year, I feel so confused, because all the books I've read contradict each other in the most basic ways, and I can't decide which system to trust.  Do I plant my beans in a compost pile, or in a three sisters guild?  Do I mulch or not?  Plant clover in the paths, put boards over them, or eliminate the paths altogether?  Plant rows, blocks, or willy-nilly? 

And my failures aren't limited to the garden.  Every vegetable ferment I made this summer failed, although I had made some successfully in previous seasons.  Every jam and jelly I've ever made has failed to set, but I want them to work so badly that I keep trying, with decreasing hopefulness.  

I'm a smart person who generally can accomplish whatever I set my mind to.  Failing at such simple tasks as growing potatoes and making jam, despite sincere efforts, is difficult to accept.  But I am trying not to be resentful about it.  We are making progress in some directions, and we have accomplished some worthwhile things, and other things seem much more possible than they used to.