Questioning Priorities

For as long as I can remember, I've wished I could find a way to withdraw into my mind.  I have a truly luxurious headspace, most of which is full of cobwebs and totally wasted.  I wish I could spend more time there, or even all of my time there (i.e. go insane).  I think the reason why I've never been able to write a novel is that writing fiction requires an ability to detach from the real world and concentrate on your own mental world that I lack.  I've always been too distracted by other things, not least of which is my stomach. 

Lately my obsession with what I eat has become fashionable.  Eating locally-grown,  growing your own food, and food preservation are all the rage now  (although, sadly, nose-to-tail eating has yet to catch on to a wider audience).  It's easy to build a whole life around food, and that is effectively what I have done.  Is it really worth it?  Some people eat ramen noodles every day, for crying out loud.  Why do I have to eat such impeccably high-quality, morally superior food?  Has it really made any difference to my health or anything else?  Wouldn't worrying a lot less about food bring some of its own rewards for my health?   What if I could choose to spend that energy on educating my child, or learning a craft?  I'm not sure there's any way back for me, but I'm starting to question the way forward.

For one thing, as hard as I try, I can't reliably get dinner on the table.  Any time I'm involved in any significant project, be it gardening, building, food preserving, taking a class, or even a lot of shopping, we end up eating out or getting take-out, unless there are leftovers.  My energy is so limited (mostly, I'm sure, because I'm too fat) that cooking dinner takes a disproportionate share of it.  I'm pretty sure eating out so that you can make homemade pickle relish totally defeats the purpose.  And eating out so that you can make your umpteenth attempt to bake bread, which will come out dense as a brick again, is utterly stupid.  I'm thinking of doing a 30-day, or even a 365-day challenge to make dinner every single night.  

Today I had to choose between taking part 2 of the beekeeping class, or taking a moccasin-making class.  I took the bee class because it was easier for me to get a ride to, I had already paid for it, and I'm more likely to use it.  I want to do crafts, but I can't manage to do anything other than knitting (only because I can do it sitting in the living room), and not even that lately.  I feel like I'm falling farther and farther behind.